• Aqueelah Wheatley, M.S., LMFT

Yours, mine, and his??

Being a part of a blended family can come with many obsticles, each family awakening different challenges specific to their circumstance. In my case, I brought two children into my marriage, and my husband brought none. In most of the articles I've read, it was expected that the partner entering from a previous marriage brought in the children, but in our home, it's quite the contrary. Before my husband met and shamelessly pursued me as his wife, lol, he had never even dated a woman with children, and admittedly never planned to, which means he had next to no experience with children, and I mean nilch. Lol. So why no walking papers? Well aside from my enamore with his charm, I figured if he was willing to compromise and open his mind for me, I could, at the very least, do the same. Still, I'll say that his lack of experience definitely slowed down the process of him meeting them almost to a complete halt! Nevertheless they met, and to my surprise he was a natural! and outside of the occasional foot swallow, he pretty much stayed on everyone's good side, and it didn't take long at all for his relationship with them to begin to bloom like May flowers. Now that we're married, no one would think twice about him being the most well-fitted piece to our family puzzle...but then there's dad. Yes! Contrary to popular beliefs and ethnic sterotypes, all african american fathers don't disappear after conception. With that being said, one out of two of my children's fathers actually play a very active role in the lives of both children, but I must admit, since being married, finding a place where him and my husband both comfortably fit, though necessary, has been more than exhausting. I know my husband loves my little knuckleheads, and has established a relationship with them that grows more everyday, but dad will always be dad, and I think it takes a toll on him sometimes. And now that dad no longer has a girlfriend all his recent texting with mom is not on my husband's top 100 things to hear about. Though innocent in nature, I understand my husband's dismay, as no one wants to feel like and outsider with a wife and children they claim as their own. So the more dad persists, the more hubby draws back and I'm stuck making up the difference. Anyone from a blended family can understand that gradually trying to integrate a new parent into an already working dynamic, trying to agree on disciplinary methods, and getting them familiar with the children's idiosyncrasies is not the easiest job on the market for any new married couple, but can be made twice as hard when there is an involved third party. To his credit however, their father barely interferes. Outside of throwing hearsay from the children back and forth every once in awhile, he seems to make it a point to keep his focus on the children, and stay out of our way. Even in this, I must say we've still had our fair share of awkward moments and growing pains so far, and though I feel very blessed to have two men so eager and detemined to be fathers to my little love bunnies, I wonder if inception can really happen without a void space to fill, and if not, will my husband always feel the unnecessary third wheel, leaving me to play dual roles? Will we ever all be able to function in three part harmony, or will it always be yours, mine, and his? 0 Comments

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